How can Wireless Technology Improve the Wife?

It had to be asked at some point; a topic infused with such controversy.

A subject that when broached would redefine man’s perspective with his counterpart and would naturally place him on the highest pedestal – it goes without saying, right? An unavoidable presupposition that had to be entertained: “How can wireless technology improve the wife?” yet, the repercussions of this article remain inevitable and foretold. A string of feminists will undoubtedly emerge, “he can’t say that” may be one such outcry, or perhaps, more realistically, a collection of defamatory expletives that may portray an image of inadequacy (sigh). Whilst the wife may have her supporters, surely there are a team of men; warriors in fact, ready to brave a whole new wireless-enabled wife world? Surely, a vision of a Stepford wife in the making? We (men only) should all bear in mind the following: pause and reflect for a moment prior to committing to integration, assimilation and finally deployment – be forewarned, once caught entertaining the following possibilities we will be demoted to a celibate existence banished to worshiping her humble feet for what may seem to be an eternity.

But let’s face it, it’s in idealism we all yearn – have done for some time. Okay, who’s man enough to stand up – walk shoulder-to-shoulder and straddle a controversial boundary that when crossed, will keep our women wirelessly-tuned and void of interference (bliss)? Clearly, there are some men who will remain steadfast and defiant, and of course, there are men who will cry like babies. Which one are you? But, alas it seems a dark, cold and lonely abyss where Dean now embarks upon his journey very much alone (where’s the support, you cry babies?). However, it should be said, although it’s already implied, this article should be taken light-heartedly and some lateral thinking; bending of light; warping of time and space for human kind (or is that mankind?), as we know it have been sought to ultimately make the technology and its woman-wireless enabling all possible.

How do we answer that question? We have witnessed great men like Stephen Hawking unravel the universe with such alarming ease, but perhaps we can embark upon a darker subject and unravel a dark matter, the breadth of which remains unimaginable; incalculable and prone to such spontaneity and unrelenting outbursts of energy, of course we are referring to the Wife (don’t forget girlfriends can also be included, after all this is not a prejudice article!). Let’s consider the obvious application here where we intrinsically know the first wireless-enabled feature to be integrated into any wife would be the remote control – every man should have one!

Such a device should be handed out just after taking the marriage vows – for example, after the Reverend declares “I now pronounce you man and wife” he should immediately hand you the remote control using a slight of hand technique. In particular, when the Reverend further announces “you may kiss the bride” the groom momentarily deflects the attention of the bride, obviously with such a passionate kiss, where the ‘holier than thou’ shrewdly hands you the device – perfect! Okay, this is not a good start, just stop shouting; crikey! The Wife Remote Control (or WRC – you will find a three letter acronym is compulsory otherwise it hasn’t been designed by a man!) only has three buttons offering basic functionality (well, it is the wife!). The three-button unit permits a man to operate his wife as follows: ‘mute,’ place on ‘standby’ (as after a careful review within the technical steering committee we felt that a ‘pause’ feature would be too strong and may be subject to public objections) and ‘reset’. The latter feature is to be used ‘when all else has failed’.

We have talked and conjectured about the wireless-enabled possibilities, but with Heathrow’s troubled T5, Iris has been expediting passengers through passport control. Thankfully, Iris is not some old soured and wrinkled biddy who clearly remains in a desperate need of a face-lift; and, of course, her super-sized arse has now permanently moulded her seat where no-one else can sit comfortably in it at passport control. However, it has taken the past twenty years to achieve this, along with a face that deems any man unfit to breath (now we are reading from the same page!). No, in fact it’s an eye recognition system used at passport control – it simply takes the fun out of it all. In a tenuous link, it is an unnerving reminder of how close we are to integrating technology such as Near Field Communications (NFC) or RFID into or beneath our skin. Our pets have electronic passports: yep, we may tease, but more often, true words are spoken in jest! Just to take this anecdote a little further, Kevin Warwick, professor of cybernetics at University of Reading (UK) has, in fact, toyed with being wireless-enabled. Nicknamed, Captain Cyborg, Warwick proceeded to implant an RFID tag into his arm, just beneath the skin. Perhaps Warwick was seeking the real possibility of becoming a Terminator, as his primary objective was (and presumably still remains) to become more than just a human, “I’ll be back”? Where are those men in white coats when you need them?

Nevertheless, Warwick’s research attempted to demonstrate the tolerances of the human body in accepting technology within its delicate infrastructure. He was capable of operating devices such as lights and doors when in proximity, as opposed to successfully passing through passport control. You may be thinking that this is an exaggeration of Hollywood, but what is about to follow may just astound you (be advised, put the coffee cup down first). Warwick, in fact implanted the technology into his wife (you see, it can be done – it’s not a dream after all!). Amazingly, Warwick and his wife became wirelessly-enabled supporting an experiment, which confirmed empathic communication using the Internet and proved to be successful in demonstrating electronic communication using the human nervous system (wow!). Whilst Warwick might seem a little unstable, obviously nothing to do with his bionic leg, there seems to be some method in his madness. Warwick’s pioneering research is leading the advancement of medical devices in the treatment of Parkinson’s, for example. In particular, he is currently working on a new design for Deep Brain Stimulation (DPS) which is used to alleviate the symptoms of Parkinson’s.

Moreover, in another thread of wireless communications Body Area Networks (BANs) may enable the real possibility of humans becoming wirelessly-enabled in the hope of advanced treatment and diagnosis of some medical conditions. On that note, with the obvious eclectic wireless health devices, the portfolio should be extended to husbands who are keen to know the current mood state of their respective spouse (remember, this is a serious discussion on the advancement of wireless technology!). It is pinnacle in any deflection of “I only had two pints of beer, love” where the information received by the man can cunningly enable him to tip-toe successfully around the inevitable collapsing star quandary. However, in a dense daze, he is completely aware that actually seven pints of beer were consumed; so, whilst in your self-absorbed alcohol-infused wisdom in the belief that you are confidently navigating yourself around the ensuing argument, you typically collapse onto the sofa where the wife just let’s you sleep it off. In our defence, one other valuable application could be the proximity detector. If the wife is tagged, then we know she’s in or around the surrounding area; this works two-fold: i) whilst at the pub, your proximity alarm notifies you of incoming hostility; you, of course, seek the back door and stagger to freedom; however, whilst in your drunken stupor, your responses maybe a little sluggish. Nevertheless, as she enters the licensed premises and seemingly creates a silhouette in the doorway akin to the dark matter itself – you immediately realise with such synaptic sober thought – you have the ‘reset’ button on your WRC unit (remember, when all else has failed!). When the reset button is engaged the wife, in fact, is rebooted – you now have a minute or so to make your escape, along with the reassurance that a minute has been erased from her memory – pure genius! Obviously, it’s something that the manufactures are keen for you not to do on a regular basis and their disclaimer notifies you of the possible damage sustaining long-term use; and ii) with your proximity detector you can strategically enter the house according to her location after a late session with the boys. Naturally, you eventually slumber onto the sofa and merely exclaim in the morning, “I didn’t want to disturb you – you obviously went to bed early, love.” Alas, the argument is inevitably flawed, as it’s based upon the notion that the wife is tagged – only if?

Where are we going with this and ultimately what’s the moral of this story? Well, the body-shifting and morphing of the Terminator films (not to be confused with Heathrow) might be a far-fetched cry of Hollywood, but the advent of cybernetics and the increasing possibilities of a bionic wife seems to unnerve most warrior-like of men. Perhaps a final thought could rest with the possibility in that the wife is always right; God forbid – anyway, God is a man, duh! Perhaps the wife seeks comfort in the knowledge that her husband will remain persistently stubborn and, in his realisation that it takes two to tango, there are always two sides to every argument – no, it’s not an argument; remember, it’s a discussion! As such, it seems traditional in that the wife seemingly has to have the last word and, alas, on this occasion the wife has provided her perspective (Can Wireless Technology Improve your Marriage?). And, whilst grappling with the definition of romance (let alone spell it) and what it actually means we, of course, wouldn’t change them, would we?